Have you ever seen Baloo the bear in the The Jungle Book movie scratch his back? He just about goes crazy finding the perfect tree with bark of just the right roughness, or maybe protruding branches, to rub his itchy back on. That image brings to mind a young man I used to work with at a Tim Hortons coffee shop, who utilized the corners of walls or posts to scratch his back, which seemed to frequently plague him with itching. (Is it just men who so frequently get itchy back? Perhaps because of their propensity to grow hair there?)

That brings me to examine the myriad and most effective ways to relieve that unbearable itch.

The most obvious way, naturally, it to be like a bear and find a post, wall, or doorknob against which you can rub your back. That is really handy when you’re alone in a place where there isn’t much you can use. If you’re not alone, you can, quite obviously, simply ask another person to scratch your back for you. Not that very many people are likely to oblige, though. That would really depend on your relationship with that person. (Just as a warning, strangers are less likely to oblige and might take offense, look at you strangely, or do more than just scratch your back, if you know what I mean.)

The next best way would be to find an implement long enough to reach that unreachable spot. Quite often, a pen or pencil will do the job nicely. Don’t forget to use the non-writing end of the pen, though, or make sure it is capped. Ink isn’t always easy to get off your skin, and if you had to bare your back, for whatever reason, people might wonder at your unusual tattoos and try to figure out which prison you got them in, or if you had a very bad tattoo artist. Pencils don’t write quite as easily on skin, so it doesn’t matter which end you use. The pointy tip is generally more effective. However, it does matter if you’re wearing a light-colored top. Pencil marks on that don’t rub off easily. To be safe, just don’t scratch with the writing end.

You can also use a ruler, which is longer and good for that itch which is somewhere dead center so you can reach it with neither the overhand nor the underhand scratch. Rulers are also better for taller people with longer backs. You get the picture.

One of my personal favorites is a paint brush–not a house painter’s wide brush, but rather the artist’s long, elegant paint brush (such as I prefer to use). The handle tips are very effective for scratching that damned spot, although, I have been known to sometimes have multi-colored hair in the back of my head.

Around the house, you’re more likely to find all manner of implements besides pens, pencils, rulers, and paint brushes (but the last only if you happen to be an artist, of course, or have a child in the house with a handy paint set with a brush that hasn’t disappeared under a couch or fridge or some other inconvenient piece of furniture or appliance you can’t reach under). Thinking of children, you could use their little plastic bows and arrows (if they have a set conveniently lying around) or assemble a Lego tower (again, if they have enough pieces you can find). Rummage around your closet and you could use a hanger or a mop or broom handle, depending pretty much on which closet you’re rummaging through. A long-handled shoe horn can also be very effective.

Cooks, chefs, and other kitchen workers have a distinct advantage because their cooking implements are generally close at hand. They have rolling pins (too round, sometimes, but will do in a pinch), whisks, wooden spoons, mixing spoons, cooking forks or turners, and knives (completely inadvisable). The best tool, however, is the pasta spoon or fork or ladle–you know which one I mean. It has perfectly curved claws that scratch as well as a hand–often better, because it has more fingers! It’s infinitely better than a garden fork or clawed hand rake, which tends to have a shorter handle and might be covered in soil. Just make sure you dump the pasta (or serve it) before you use the pasta server. Of course, if I saw a cook do that, I wouldn’t be likely to finish my dinner or ever eat that cook’s food again!

Whether it be a lowly pencil or a stainless steel pasta server or a fancy long-handled tangle-removing hairbrush, if it aids you to reach that unreachable spot, to scratch that impossible itch, no matter how itchy, no matter how far, then you have found the perfect spar!

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(Written while a student was writing an essay describing five unusual ways to use a pencil.)