my best friend has died and this is just a nightmare

1
Will somebody please tell me I
just woke up on the wrong
side of the bed and
this
is
not
happening
that I
did not receive the
same
bad
news
over
and over
again
that this is just
a bad nightmare and it
will pass when I
really wake up.
That my dearest and best friend
of 35 years,
the older sister I had wanted
all my life,
my number 1 fan and supporter
in all I did
has died. I am in shock,
in denial,
angry,
depressed,
grieving, and
hurting
so
so
very much.
All my notices on Facebook
say I am wrong
because there will be
a wake
an interment
a mass
a funeral
I am numb as
my fingers type away at
the keyboard
and scroll through
the messages
the photographs
the flowers
the candles
the memories
that all say
you are gone
you are no longer in pain
you are with your brother
and mother
and father
but I am not with you
and I am oh so far away
and I cannot be there
by your side
I was not there
holding your hand
even if I wanted to be
and now you have left us all behind
and all I can ask is
why
and all I can say is
no
and all I can do is
cry
and I know
I will be reading your messages
over
and over
again
and looking at your photos
and posts
even the chain mail
you send me.
I will re-live our last visit together
five years ago
is too long
I will re-live our last phone call together
which was not long enough
you kept me in touch
with news from back home
with the earth
with myself
with life
you
my sister
my friend (5 times on Facebook)
my best of friends
my confidante
you
will always be alive
in my heart
in my head
in my soul
in my life.
When this nightmare
is over
I will awake
open my laptop
and see
another photo
message
sticker
joke
from you
but it will not be new.
The nightmare will never end
and I
will never wake up.
66095768_10156752858988992_1823734639634677760_n

My best friend, Evelyn Marasigan, seated (died July 11, 2019, on Blanche’s birthday); some of my closest circle of friends, L-R, Blanche Arguelles, Vicki Gwen de Leon, Gay Castañeda

Advertisements

To writers, though their pens lie still (a poem)

0

…And though their pens lie still and no new stories unfold
their stories will linger forever and be told and retold
their words will stay alive and leap from every page
forever to regale a reader, no matter what their age,
and while they’ll never leave another footstep on the ground
their words will travel far and wide and circulate around
we’ll always hear their voices whispering softly in our heads
we know they will live on and on as long as they are read.

©cindylapeña, 2016

Because we lost so many writers in 2016…

http://www.cbc.ca/books/2016/12/in-memoriam-authors-we-lost-in-2016.html

Fort Mac (a poem)

0

underneath the darkened sky
black smoke rolls out in clouds
and fiery tongues lash out in rage
consuming tinder trees and matchbox houses
while ant trails of humans pour out
in droves abandoning
home
life
dreams
as the world watches for days

this is hell but not
in hell no relief remains in sight
in hell no return to the light of a clearing sky
no supplications for rain
only pity from the living
no shelter from the blaze
nor lunch money
nor compassionate letters
from schoolchildren on a remote island
where father
uncle
grandfather
sibling
son spouse
journeyed west
to find a fortune
gone up in fiery haze
dragging Alberta to her knees
long before the oilsands run dry.

©2016, cindy lapeña

Merry May (poem)

2

‘Tis the merry month of May and yet the buds do hide

The ground is soft and mushy brown

In places where the wintry blanket’s thrown

The trees stretch out their knobby hands

The fingertips bulging waiting wanting to bloom

The sun only teasing winking peeking behind the gloom

As the trees stretch out their knobby hands

Waiting to bud in this merry month of May

My balcony blooming while snow still lies on the ground in May 2015

My balcony blooming while snow still lies on the ground in May, ©Cindy Lapeña 2015

©Cindy Lapeña 2015

black friday madness (a poem)

0

there is nothing
people need so badly
they have to wake up at 4 a.m.
to stand in line in the cold
to viciously fight
over products of uncertain quality
at half off the outrageously marked-up prices
with no time
to even check if they are getting the right size
just for the sake of taking advantage
of a bargain that will probably go unused
in a corner
for years

cindy 2014

Return to Poetry

vegetable stew (a poem)

0

she stood at the sink, mesh in hand

water flowing tepid, hot mixing with cold

scrubbing mud off food bank carrots

limp, bruised, shrunken

revealing pockmarks and knobby joints

where there should have been none

thick woody skin entrenched in weak orange flesh

nothing much is left

for stew.

©Cindy Lapeña,  20142014-11-12 23.45.37

the seagull on the rooftop (a poem)

1

(because i saw a seagull on a rooftop…)

 

dead centre there it stood

the seagull on the rooftop

watching the world for all it stood

in a standstill where it chose to stop

 

did it see the truck was blowing steam

did it know the rain would fall

did it ever, like you and me, dream

did it know the meaning of all

 

the seagull on the rooftop stood

where it stopped on the centre of the roof

watching the houses as they stood

eyes empty maws shut silent with reproof

 

was there life within those wooden shells

were the people happy there

what sort of folks did there dream and dwell

of what did they truly care

 

on the centre of the roof the seagull stopped

like a carving carefully placed

like a weathervane that had rusted stuck

contemplating what it might face

 

did it know what roof to choose or why

does it care the way we do

does it ever care if it lives or dies

do we stand on rooftops too

 

© Cindy Lapeña, 2014

IMG_20140911_165011

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Return to Poetry

Like the sunset (poem)

0

 

“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.” ~Goethe

I see magnificence and beauty
and a certain sadness with the sunset
and yet again calm as my world settles down
with the hope that I, too, will rest
with a certain sadness like the sunset
and that irreplaceable calm after a storm
when my world finally settles down.

2014-04-20 19.52.42

© Cindy Lapeña, 2014

To Justin, On Your Graduation (A Poem)

0

Debating with myself for years

Undecided until the final moment

That you would graduate from 12th grade.

Another huge milestone in a year when you

made several: Halifax, New York, your 18th birthday.

How can I tell you, dear son, how proud I am of you

Of your accomplishments, your skills, your talents

Your intelligence, your character.

I wanted to share this moment with you

As much as a million other moments that I missed

But wanting you to be comfortable, relaxed

at such a grand day was more important to me

Than my desire to be with you

I stayed away.

As I have stayed away

If only to let you find yourself

Learn for yourself, decide for yourself

Some truths about life

I only hope that you have found

The right mentors, the right models

To guide you when I could not

To listen when I was unable

To cheer you on

Encourage you

Remind you of the lessons I taught you

As you were growing up and very young

Before you were taken away from me

Body, mind, spirit

Heart of my heart,

blood of my blood

body of my body

My wound opens anew

each time I think of you

No less painful than the day I lost you

and my blood pours out in tears

and in silence

I congratulate you.

 

© Cindy Lapeña, 2014

 

 

Because I can’t say good-bye… (a poem)

7

For my Mom, Rosa Pilar Roxas Amador, who passed into another world at 11:10 p.m. on April 26, 2014 (Philippine time). She was my mother-in-law, but more of a mother to me. I will never forget her.

 

Because I can’t say good-bye, I will remember

Days of loving and caring, sharing and laughing

When we first met I will never forget

Into your home you took me

You made it mine and made me yours

Unconditionally

You loved me

As a mother would a child of her blood

Into your fold you took me like one of your brood

You gave freely what you could

And even what you could not

Without second thought

Without hesitation

With far-reaching hands

With large heart

And open mind

Giving to a fault

Mindless of means

You heard with your heart

Listened with love

Counseled with care

There was nowhere I could go that you did not find me

And what I could not say you always knew

Now, everywhere and nowhere, you will be with me

Always in my heart, in my mind

Forever in my words because I can never say good-bye to you

I will remember.

 

© Cindy Lapeña, 2014